Negative One

Our five year old recently approached his mother and said, "Mom, one minus two is negative one."

A Hundred Million

Just before our youngest's fourth birthday, I was talking to him about the upcoming day.  He said, "When I'm five, I'll have five candles on my cake.  And when I'm a hundred million, I'll be as tall as the ceiling."

Every Of It

When our three year old doesn't like something, he often uses the phrase, "I hate every of it."

Shampoo

Our three year old was talking with me about car colors.  "Dad, your car is shampoo."  He meant "champagne."

Unsick

Our kids have had a bout with the flu this week.  Our three year old declared his health thus, "I'm unsick."

Like An Hour

Two of our kids were discussing who would get to play video games first, and included me in the conversation.  I concluded that our nine year old could play for half an hour, then it would be our five year old's turn.  The younger objected to the decision with the following:

"Yeah, but, a half an hour is like...an hour!"

What?

Our nine year old to our five year old: "You have short-term memory loss."

Spanish

Me to my three year old: "Did your brother take his folder?"
My three year old: "Yes, he taked it."
Me: "He took it.  Can you say that?  Taked isn't a word."
Him: "It's Spanish."

Template Upgrade Problem

I'm having problems upgrading my template for this blog from a classic template ("Rounders 3" template from early 2005) to a new template.  I have multiple classic template blogs from early 2005 and multiple new blogs created with the new templates.  I want to upgrade all my old templates to the new ones.  My first attempt has some problems.

When I upgraded to the new template, I entered the template designer to choose a template.  Everything was very slow in loading, and my preview is blank, except for the rightmost 1/2" and bottom 1/2".  See photo above.  Sometimes, even the part of the preview that shows up goes blank.  There are other problems too:

• Changing any setting in the template designer is very slow.
• The cursor flashes very rapidly between a normal cursor and that rotating circle (MS Waiting!)
• The blog page loads very slow from any computer, even though this blog is more simple (fewer links and gadgets) than my other new template blogs.  Same profile photo, etc.
• My other new blogs with the latest templates don't have any of these problems.
• I have two computers, one with IE8.0 and the other with Firefox 3.6.12.
• The above photo is from the IE8.0 computer.  The Firefox computer gives a normal template design preview, but everything is just as slow with changing settings, etc.
• I've changed my template many times as well (Simple, Awesome, etc.), but there is no change in either the template preview or the sluggishness of changing settings.
• Occasionally, when going into the template designer, the preview will show the whole blog page correctly for a fraction of a second, then change to what's shown in the photo above, then it may completely go blank.

Any help is appreciated in advance.  Thanks!

I Amn't

Mrs. Scott placed our three year old on top of the kitchen counter to cuff his pants.  He said, "Look at me.  How tall am I?"  I replied, "You're the tallest one in our family!"  He countered, "No, I amn't."

Meet In The Future

As we were driving by the street where Mrs. Scott's grandmother lived 30 years ago, I noted it to our 8 year old: "You never knew your great grandmother."

He replied, "I met her in the future."

Post

This is a post.  It's been a long time since there has been a post here.  But this IS a post.  It may not look like one, but it is.  I've neglected this blog, and Mrs. Scott has hinted that it may be hijacked.  We'll have to wait and see.

Measure

Mrs. Scott had the tape measure out to size something up. As she walked past our three year old's toy car in the driveway he asked, "Mommy, can you see how measure my car is?"

Growing Up

Our two year old today as I told him someday he, too, would take showers:

"I don't want to grow up."

Day Of Boys

Today, our five year old got four hits in his pee-wee game, out eight year old caught a lizard at the fields and our two year old carried the bag for his toddler-sized fold out chair with purpose. Sometimes it's just the small things.

Da'yy Tah - Revisited

Before our youngest turned two, he was saying "da'yy tah" for "daddy's car." I posted about this previously. Now that he's older, he has no problem pronouncing it correctly. A couple of days ago we went out the front door and my car was parked in the driveway. "Da'yy Tah!" he proclaimed. Then he turned around with a big smile on his face and said, "I used to say that."

A Sport That Makes You Sweat

Mrs. Scott was coughing (the result of a waning cold) and exclaimed, "I hate coughing." Our eight year old proclaimed, "Coughing is a sport that makes you sweat."

Open Space

We have several open space areas near where we live that I take the older kids occasionally. These are hilly areas that have been open for ever and have been turned into parks with little human intervention. So far, we've seen a coyote, hawks, snake skins, pheasants, field mice, lizards, cows and jack rabbits. Neither kid has seen all of these, yet.

The Middle Letter

Our two year old asked Mrs. Scott which letter was the middle letter of the alphabet.

Too Fit For Me

When something, such as an article of clothing, doesn't fit our two year old, he says, "It's too fit for me."

Au Revoir

The cousins were over recently, and when they were leaving, our eight year old came out of nowhere with the following question, whispered in my ear: "Dad, how do you say 'good bye' in French?" He butchered it, but oh, well.

"F" Is For Grandpa, "B" Is For Grandma

Not only has our two year old taught himself the alphabet, he's figured out the first letter of each of our family member's names. He says, "M is for mommy. D is for daddy," and so on, including for his own name and the name of his brothers. We never set him up to think like this, he just did it.

Then last week, he blew us away. He started saying, "F is for grandpa" and "B is for grandma." Obviously, the letters don't correspond to the first letters of the words "grandpa" and "grandma." Rather, F and B are their first initials. Again, we didn't teach him the association of letters and their sounds, either. Really scary.

Alphabet Boy

With no input from parents, our two year old taught himself the alphabet with the Blue's Clues Alphabet Power DVD in just under two weeks. Now he notices letters everywhere and calls them out. He's scary.

Say What?

As we exited the house to head down the stairs, our two year old handed me his sippy cup in order to grab the hand rail. "Can you put this in your purse?"

Dad: "I don't have a purse."

Today Tomorrow

Our two year old: "Dad, what's today?"
Me: "Today is Sunday."
Two year old: "No. Today is tomorrow," followed by a big smile.

Bald Bat Hair

Mrs. Scott to all the boys: "All you guys need haircuts again."
Our four year old: "If I get one more haircut, I'll be bald!"
Our two year old: "You're not a ball, you're a bat!"

What Bappened?

Our two year old said "bapple" for the longest time as his word for "apple." He has started saying, "What bappened?" Even though you want him to say "What happened?" correctly (eventually), it's still cute to hear him use his own word.

Sunday Funnies

Mrs. Scott: "Are you watching this game?"
Me: "You can change it to the other game if you want."

Commercial

I was sitting on the sofa watching cartoons with our two year old. Suddenly during a commercial, he stated, "We'll be back, right after this." Is this a good thing? He really doesn't watch much TV, so maybe it's fine.

Mommy's Son

I said to my two year old (with Mrs. Scott listening): "You're my son."

He replied, "No, I'm not. I'm mommy's son."

It's Raining Snow!

A few days ago, we headed up Mt. Diablo (3849 ft.) to see the snow. The huge winter storm now sweeping across the nation hit us (San Fran) first. We don't normally get snow at near sea level, so this one was one to take the kids up the mountain. It was great snow, 3-6 inches deep. Multitudes went up the mountain. It was our kids' first time being in the snow.

Some snow was falling from the tree branches, and we got caught under one such pouring out. Our four year old yelled, "It's raining snow!"

Say What?

I don't know what our two year old was talking about specifically, but he said, "I have to figure out if the batteries work in it. I have to look at it and check it out."

Kids these days.

Nose

Our two year old and I were goofing around and I said, "You've got a little nose right there on your face." He replied, "Daddy has a big nose." Even if it's not coming from a two year old, it's still true.

Greatest Hugs In The World

Our two year old simply gives the greatest hugs in the world. I often tell him this. So today he gives me a hug and I tell him I loved his hug. He replied, "The greatest hugs in the world."

Stalemate

Mrs. Scott to a whiny two year old: "Use your words."
His reply, "I don't want to use my words."

I Hate The Yankees

"I hate the Yankees!" So said our four year old during the World Series. Now, in our house we direct our wrath toward the Dodgers, being Giants fans. So, how did a four year old come up with such a universal sentiment?

Fold Him In Half

Our two year old was lying down with Mrs. Scott, and he had his stuffed Elmo with him. He wanted to sit Elmo down and said to her, "Fold him in half." Where does a two year old get the idea of folding something in half?

Not Gross Anymore

From the back seat of my car, our two year old said, "Daddy, your car isn't gross anymore." "Not gross?" "Not anymore."

I didn't know it ever was gross.

We Can Put The Beds In The Car

Our two year old (27 months) to Mrs. Scott, two weeks after moving:

"I want to go to your house. I want to go to our old house. We can put the beds in the car."

Until You're Older

At the store my two oldest had this exchange:

4 yr. old: "Whoa! Lookit, lookit!"

Free sample vendor: "Aw, look at that, daddy"

8 yr. old: "What?"

4 yr. old: "That girl doesn't have any pants!" (she was wearing short denim shorts with a long t-shirt so it looked like she didn't have pants)

8 yr. old: "Yes, she did. She had shorts on. Besides, you're not supposed to see those things until you're older."

Kung Fu Gophers

Overhearing our four year old from the back seat:

"Gophers live under the back yard and dig to China where they do Kung Fu."

That's Weird

I was calling our new house from our old one, and there's a phone with built-in answering machine. Our four year old has never had experience with an answering machine. I left a message for the owner and he could hear my voice. He stared at it and answered, "That's weird."

Jammie Monster

Tonight, while changing our two year old into jammies, he called me the Jammie Monster.

Can You Spell "Superhero"?

On the way home from our almost eight year old's soccer game tonight, with best friend next door neighbor with us, Mrs. Scott started a verbal math and spelling flash card run. It was a fun way to help the kids out with their learning. What's 8 plus 7? How do you spell "water?"

It was a friendly form of competition between the two. Then our four year old chimed in with some great spelling questions. How do you spell "superhero?" How do you spell "owl?" and last, but certainly most telling, How do you spell "Lincecum?" It couldn't have been more perfect.

Muhlmo Diaper

Our two year old is so large, there's only one place we've been able to find diapers for him. Babies R Us. They have pictures of Sesame Street characters, Elmo, Big Bird, Grover, Ernie and Cookie Monster. His favorite - the only one he wants to wear - is the diaper with Elmo on it. He gets smiley when he sees his favorites and says, "Muhlmo diaper."

Maybe It's Backwards

The buckle was stuck as Mrs. Scott tried to secure our 26 month old in his car seat. She asked herself, "I wonder what's wrong?" He replied, "Maybe it's backwards."

Luhllow, Yewwow and Yeyyow

Each of our little ones has had a funny way of saying the color yellow. Now it's our youngest's turn. After Luhllow and Yewwow, we now hear Yeyyow.

Sandy Eggo

We took a trip to San Diego recently. Our kids love Eggo waffles, and we went to the beach, so if you have waffles on the beach and get sand on them, you have Sandy Eggo's.

You Got Your Dad On

Our two year old's nickname is Hooch. When his personality really shines through, we say he has his Hooch on. I wrote about this here. The other day, he woke up early and came in and climbed in bed. He was overly happy and not cranky at all, and was pouring it on. So, I asked him, "You got your Hooch on?" He replied, "You got your dad on!" He's only 26 months old. Scary.

Little Shower Man

When your four year old not only says that he wants to take showers instead of baths, but wants to take them by himself, and he does a good job, you don't complain.

Two Great Tastes

"Hey, you got barbecue sauce in my diet Pepsi."

"Oh, yeah? Well, you got diet Pepsi in my barbecue sauce!"

It's Working

Our two year old has been having too frequent diaper changes and has a rash as a result. So the last few diaper changes I told him, "We're putting medicine on it to make it feel better." Tonight he replied, "It's working!"

Two Year Old Quotes

He's only 25 months old. Last night at the dinner table: "Please pass it." This morning on a brother's choice of movies: "It's a stupid movie. It's a stupid movie." Then when his older brother said, "Shut the freak up!," he replied, "No, you shut the freak up."

Growth Squirt

Our two year old is anything but a squirt. As big as he is, he's grown an inch and a half over the last two months. Time for some new clothes.

New Profile Photo

I've added a new profile photo to my blogs. This photo was a professional headshot produced by my friend Deb Wat. The photo shoot was a very interesting process, and Deb is a true professional. Her objective for this shot was to draw me out of my element as a writer. I think it came out great, and my family and friends agree. Check out her site at Deb Wat Photography.

Top Ramen, My Parents and Jesus

I cooked Top Ramen tonight for the kids, with some leftovers from last night. Our seven year old came into the kitchen and commented on how much he loved the noodles, and that they were his third most loved thing in his life. I asked what the first two were, and he said, "The second is my parents. And the first is Jesus." I'm glad my kid thinks more highly of me than Top Ramen.

Where Does The President Live?

"Daddy, where does the president of the United States live?" asked our four year old from the back seat.

Giving an answer that put it into a context he could understand, I replied, "He lives in Washington, D.C., close to where the Washington Nationals play in their ballpark."

"Barack Obama lives there, too," he observed.

"Well, Barack Obama is the president of the United States," I clarified.

"Does he live in his own house?"

"No, he lives in a house, called the White House, where all the presidents live. Where did you hear about all this?"

"I don't know."

The Mommy/Daddy Distinction

Our two year old distinguishes between mommy and daddy's things as often as he can. He'll exclaim, "Mommy's car!", followed by, "Daddy's car!", repeating this several times. He says, "Mommy's clock!", and "Daddy's clock!", etc., for our clock radios on each night stand. Hats, shoes, chairs at the table.

Orange, Orange, Yellow

Every small child learns one color first. Our two year old has started learning his colors. Yellow was his first a couple of weeks ago and now he's learned red and black. Our oldest and second learned orange first. Orange, orange, yellow.

Oygurt, Yoigwit and Yogeet

Oygurt, yoigwit and yogeet are the three names our little ones have used for yogurt as toddlers. Our oldest used yogeet, and we remember how funny that was. Now his brothers have matched him for pronunciation.

Micro Brewers

Cross posted at From the Bleachers.

The Giants single A team in San Jose is called the Giants, after the parent club. The team is known as the "Little Giants." Well, if you apply this logic to the Brewers team, and Mrs. Scott did, a Brewers minor league team can be known as the "Micro Brewers." Good thinking, Mrs. Scott!

Daddy's Cookies

Each of my children have used the same term to label something I like. They use "daddy's cookies." Those would be Trader Joe's triple ginger snaps. They like them, too.

Four Minutes Till Ten

Last night we had a family night out, and were out later than usual. Mrs. Scott admonished us all, "Everybody sleep in until ten o'clock tomorrow!" At 9:56 this morning, our two year old came in and asked for a "bar," a granola bar. Pretty close timing.

M Tiwce

Our two year old calls M&M's, "Emm." So Mrs. Scott and I tried to get him to say "M&M." "Emm," he kept replying. We laughed. So Mrs. Scott said, "Say emm twice." "Emm twice." Okay, nevermind.

Be Quiet Or I'll Die

With his brothers and next door neighbor in his room, our seven year old was exclaiming, "Hey, guys, be quiet or I'll die!" Afterward we understood that he meant that his guy would die on the video game because they were distracting him.

Two Is My Name

Our youngest son is now two years old. In preparation for his birthday, this last week Mrs. Scott and I taught him to respond to the question, "How old are you?" with the answer, "Two." He's doing great at this, and both birthday parties (on both sides of the family) were a time of giving everybody some good laughs with his new means of self-advertisement. He hasn't succeeded in holding up two fingers yet, but boldly thrusts out one finger with his excited proclamation of "Two!"

He's just now comfortable with saying his name. He says everybody else's but just hasn't shown interest until last week in saying his own. But the funny thing is that when he is asked what his name is, he replies with, "Two!"

They're Not Chickens

Our four year old and Mrs. Scott were having a deep conversation over some freshly finished hard boiled eggs. Copying his mom, our nearly two year old said in as plain and clear speech as we've ever heard, "They're not chickens."

God's Toy Cars

Upon entering a large parking lot full of cars, our seven year old said, "God has a lot of toy cars." After Mrs. Scott asked for a clarification, he added, "All of our cars are his. Sometimes he causes them to crash. He has a million fingers so he can drive them around."

Cousins

Our four year old: "Mom, did you know that Costco is the cousin of Trader Joe's?"

Turn On The Conditionator

It was warm the other day, and a bit hot inside the car. Our four year old blurted out, "Turn on the conditionator." That would be A/C for short. :)

It's Your Fault

Today was our first grader's last day of school. They had an awards ceremony, and he won an award for turning in all of his homework for the entire school year. Unknown to us, he told his teacher that his mom should get the award because she made him do his homework. Then tonight at dinner, we both praised him for the feat. He replied, "It's your fault, mom."

Can't See

Our 23 month old will occasionally pull his hat down over his eyes, or close himself in a dark closet, in order to say, "Can't see!" This is good fun for him.

Tonight, we were alone together for the evening, and we built a Thomas train track. Percy was the engine and our son put a tunnel over the track. I pulled the train around and hid Percy in the tunnel and said, "Percy's hiding in the tunnel."

"Can't see!" he replied.

I love watching children put ideas together and apply them to other situations. It's as if they are asking approval for their logical deductions. If we approve, they file it away for future use.

I Need My Own Refrigerator

Our four year old has a practice of raiding the fridge all day long. He's wired not as a three meal per day kid, but as a grazer. We're okay with this. Yeah, he has some junk food snacks, but mostly he eats fruits and veggies. Cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, apples, mushrooms, yogurt. But there are times when all the kids are sent away from the kitchen. When mom is making dinner, when there's a spill, when we're at the other end of the house and can't keep an eye on it. Yesterday, during one of those times, our four year old remarked with a sigh, "I need my own refrigerator."

It Tastes Like Hot Sauce

Mrs. Scott arrived back from getting a hot chocolate. Our four year old wanted to taste it, and Mrs. Scott warned him of the temperature. He revealed "It tastes like hot sauce." Hot sauce?

Shoe Fly Jr.

I hate flies in my house. So I've learned a number of techniques over the years to shoe them out of the house. Well it appears that one of my boys has been watching. Our doors have been unavoidably open recently, so the fly count is high. Mrs. Scott said I would be proud how our four year old used a tissue to remove two flies from the living room window yesterday. Way to go, Boo-Boo!

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb - The Real Story

Correction:

The story got lost between Mrs. Scott and my blogging. Here is the way it really went down.

Mrs. Scott has taken to calling our two youngest "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb." One day our four year old asked "Which one of us is Tweedle Dumb?"

Tweedledum and Tweedledee

Mrs. Scott remarked about our two youngest: "You guys are Tweedledum and Tweedledee."
Our four year old replied: "Am I Tweedledum?"

Girl Friend

Our 22 month old said, "Girl friend" - or so I thought. "Girl friend?" I asked. He approached me with a Tupperware container full of Goldfish crackers. "Ohhhh, you mean Gold fish?" I asked. Suddenly a burst of laughter came from Mrs. Scott in the back room as she heard him say "girl friend" too.

Not A Toy

Mrs. Scott told our 22 month old not to touch something. "Not a toy" was his reply.

Home Run!

I turned the tube on this weekend to the Giants/Dodgers game and went into the other room briefly. Our 22 month old walked in and saw the TV. "Home run, daddy, home run!" I don't know why he chose those words to describe a game on TV, but it was as cute as could be.

F-Word Art

Some kids say the F-word. When they are young, they may not know what it means. They just hear it from their friends and it sounds impressive so they use it, too. I learned the f-word when I was four. Well, our oldest loves art and is quite active at drawing, and has a creative mind.

So, what do we find taped up in his bedroom? Well, he spelled out the f-word in 2 1/2" high letters, in what looks like Arial true-type font, bold, with fill. Each letter is about 3/8" thick with a dark outline. The fill is a combination of two separate hatchings. Dark green hatching consisting of sharp crayon width lines with no spacing in between each line, the lines being directional with the length of each letter. A second cross-hatching is in yellow, perpendicular to the letter direction, with approximately 1/8" spacing between hatch lines. The entire word is surrounded with red sun rays at about a 1/2" spacing, and a 4"x6" cloud shape is cut out around the word and taped with Scotch tape to the frame of his bunk bed. He's seven. Parents tell their kids not to use the word. So what do we say? Don't draw the f-word?

Oh, I forgot to mention it's all lower case. Should we pin this up on our fridge?

Maybe He Turned On The Hose

There was a pool of liquid on the floor and a wet shirt on our 22 month old as he stood next to the liquid.

Mrs. Scott: "How did this water get on the floor?"
Our four year old: "Maybe he went outside and turned the hose on."

I'll Sit Down - Verbal Explosion

Our 22 month old had a verbal increase this week. Sentences suddenly started coming out. I told him to sit down so I could put his shoes on. "I'll sit down here, daddy, I'll sit down." Or, in the bath tub with his brother out came, "My turn. My turn, daddy, wash me now." Scary.

Da'yy Tah!

All three of our boys have started speaking "daddy" with a silent double D at the end. "Tah" is toddlespeak for "car." Our 22 month old says "mo'yy tah" for "mommy's car" also. It won't be long before he majors in English.

Lizard Crew

Our seven year old found a lizard in the usual place. We have "keystone" concrete blocks stacked up as the barrier for the tan bark in the play area in the back yard. They hide there underneath the blocks. Later, he put it into the sand box, and all three boys were huddled around looking at its new temporary habitat. Junior scientists.

New Neighbors

Somebody is living in the house across the street. We think. It was a foreclosure, then bought by somebody rumored to have known another neighbor at some time in the past. Work was done on it by a number of people, and some of those people stayed there while working on it. Now a woman who has been around calling the shots appears to be there. She wears scrubs. Is she in medical? Maybe someday we'll introduce ourselves.

Cotton Candy Man

At the baseball game today our seven year old said:

"Dad, I don't feel well. My stomach hurts and I feel like I'm going to get sick." Just then, the cotton candy vendor walked by. "Oh, dad, can I get some cotton candy?" "No, if your stomach is bothering you, cotton candy will probably make it worse." "Actually, I feel better now."

Chopsticks

Mrs. Scott made Chinese food for dinner, and gave me a pair of chopsticks. Our two oldest wanted a pair, too. Our seven year old wanted to try to use them despite my most convincing protest against the idea. But, he turned the tables and learned to use them decently within ten minutes. Never trust anybody under thirty.

I'll Wait Until After I Burp

Our seven year old in the middle of eating a cheeseburger: "That's all I'm going to eat right now. I'll wait until I burp. Then I'll come back to eat some more."

From The Back Porch

Okay, looking out the other door...

We're watching some friends' children right now for a few hours as well as our own. Lotsa fighting and name-calling. Fortunately, I put all the power tools and sharp hand tools away when it rained.

Rubber Arm

Mr. Anthony was over this evening, and all the boys took turns hitting his pitching in the back yard after dinner. It was getting dark, so seeing was difficult. Even foam baseballs can tire a man's arm to the point of calling the bullpen. Mr. Scott in relief.

Klaus The Tourist

Overlooking the city streets of downtown San Francisco on a Sunday morning, I left our fifth floor hotel room to get us coffees from the Starbucks located downstairs at street level. Waiting for my order, I noticed a man and woman sitting at a window bar with a view of the sidewalk. The man had a terracotta leather jacket draped over his chair. It was a European style coat, with white racing stripes stretching down the sleeves. "Tourist" I thought to myself.

The telltale sign was that each had a coffee with the name "Klaus" written on the side of the cup. His female companion had distinct Germanic features. They were tourists. I'm not sure how chivalrous European culture is, or what their relationship was, but Klaus was the one who bought.

European tourists sitting at a Starbucks in San Francisco soaking in the culture from the window. How parallel is this to American tourists sitting at a cafe in Venice overlooking the cobblestone streets? I should go there and ask.

Chips 'N' Sauce

Our four year old doesn't use the term "chips 'n' salsa." Rather, he refers to the snack as "chips 'n' sauce."

I'm Almost A Nerd

Our seven year old: "Mom, can I get a hat with skulls on it?"
Mrs. Scott: "No, I don't think we should do that."
Seven year old: "Aww, mom. I never get to wear anything cool. I'm almost a nerd."

Now, a 7 year old worrying about being a nerd? This didn't happen to me until 7th grade.

Essential

Our seven year old: "I have to go pee. Pee is essential."

Yes, Parents!

Mr. and Mrs. Scott together: "Don't play with that."
Our four year old: "Yes, parents."

No Likey

Our 21 month old is learning to speak. When he doesn't want or like something he starts by saying, "No likey." The following is an interpretation guide:

"No likey mooie" - I don't want to watch this movie.
"No likey deh" - I don't want you to change my diaper.
"No likey tikkie" - I don't want turkey for lunch.

When Is Daddy Going To Get A New Job?

Our seven year old, in a hushed tone: "Mom, when is daddy going to get a new job?"
Mrs. Scott: "I don't know, sweetie. Why do you ask?"
7 yr old: "Because I want to play computer games."

Buzz Cut

Our seven year old wanted a buzz cut, so that's what he got. Yeah, it's short. Personally I think he looks better with longer hair (relatively speaking), but it doesn't look bad at all. Maybe we should let it grow out like is becoming the fad once again. Seventies, dude!

Hoooooooo!

Our youngest has learned his nickname, Hooch. He yells it out with enthusiasm, "Hoooooooo!" Yeah, mommy and daddy, that's me.

I'm Not A Baby Anymore

"Dad, you're treating me like a baby." So says our seven year old on occasion. I admit I'm so used to saying "mommy" or "daddy" that using "mom" or "dad", just as he now does, will take some practice. Especially in mixed company of toddlers and small children of various ages. Explaining concepts in more adult terms is also something I need to work on.

Got Your Hooch On?

Our 20 month old's nickname is Hoocha, or The Hooch. Hooch for short. Whenever he exhibits his being a character to an extended degree, we sometimes ask him, "Got your Hooch on?"

I Have Pictures

Mrs. Scott to me about something in particular: "You can't have it both ways."
Me: "Yes, I can. I have pictures."

The Greatest Day Ever

Last week I took our seven year old up to the top of Mt. Diablo. We looked out at the view, and hiked around the summit trail. On our hike, he said, "Dad, this is the greatest day ever."

I Just Want To Play Baseball

Mrs. Scott at our four year old's pee-wee baseball opening ceremony: "Do you need to go to the bathroom before we go?"
Our four year old: "I just want to play baseball."

I'm A Genius

Mrs. Scott: "That was a good thing that you did. Are you a good boy?"
Our four year old: "I'm a genius."

Back Home

Our 20 month old fell asleep in the car on the way back from Mrs. Scott's shopping adventure, so I transported him from the car to our bed where he stayed asleep. About an hour later as I was sitting at the chair in our room, he awoke, looked around the room and said, "Back...home."

Oh, Boy! Catcher!

Our four year old had his first pee-wee baseball practice game. He was slated by the coach to be the starting catcher. The title was his response. Read more details at my baseball blog.

You Rock, Dad

I had a birthday this week. My seven year old son drew his own birthday card for me. It read, "Happy Birthday. You rock, dad."

I Know Stuff

For some reason, the Bernie Mac show was on our TV, and our four year old told Mrs. Scott, "This is the Bernie Mac show." "Where did you learn about the Bernie Mac show?", she replied. "I know stuff."

The Great Yellow Signal Light Debate

In the back seat of Mrs. Scott's car, after coming to a light, our two oldest had an argument over the meaning of a yellow signal light.

Seven year old: "It's a warning that the light will turn red."
Four year old: "It means that the light will turn red and to slow down."
7: "You don't have to slow down. It's just going to turn red."
4: "You're supposed to slow down. When the light turns yellow, mommy slows down and stops."
7: "When the light turns yellow, daddy goes through it."

Little Caesar

Little Caesar. No, not pizza, silly. Salad.

Our 1.5 year old has taken to loving salad, especially Caesar salad. The other night at the table, he was eating salad, and a larger piece of lettuce had broken in the middle where he was chewing. The fold occurred at his mouth and the large half hung down, draped over his entire chin as he chewed. The motion of the lettuce moving up and down as he chewed combined with the completely child like "Is there something the matter?" look on his face was priceless. Kodak moment missed.

Was Daddy Fired?

I lost my job on Tuesday, and didn't go to work on Wednesday. Our seven year old asked if I were sick. Mrs. Scott said no. Tonight we sat him down to explain our situation and he was one step ahead of us. Kids know way more than we give them credit for.

The Breakfast of Little Champions

Our 19 month old opened the cupboard, got some cereal out, poured it into a bowl, opened the fridge and got the milk out, poured it onto the cereal. Then he opened the silverware drawer and reached his hand up into the drawer (not being able to see that high), grabbed a spoon out, then sat down in his chair at the table and ate his cereal. He sees many things his older brothers do, and I'm sure he's seen quite a bit of cereal prep. Nineteen months old.

One, Two, Fwee, Foh!

Our 19 month old is saying words now, and grandma taught him to count to four. I just love seeing our kids grow into the next phases of life. Wow.

There Goes The Train

I'm sitting here awake, already having slept several hours on the couch, and I'm going to bed. Just as I was wondering what to type, I heard the train, which is less than a mile away and can be seen from the front yard. We have two train tracks going through town, so the train can be heard quite often.

I'm Seven

Our middle son just turned four. He's often heard replying to people who ask that he is seven. I think he's taking this from his older brother. But, he's got the holding four fingers up thing down.

Why It's Cold

Mrs. Scott: "Why is it so cold in here?"
Me: "Because it's wintertime."

Baby's First Complete Sentence

Our 18 month old is saying words, but mostly parts of words. One syllable of a word, if all the sounds are there. Recently he has begun putting two words together every now and then into a phrase. But yesterday he spoke his first complete sentence. "Press play."

An Apple A Day

Early in the morning I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. Mrs. Scott was in there talking to me about each of our schedules for the day. Then walked in our youngest. He was holding an apple. Mrs. Scott asked him, "where did you get that?" As he raised it to his mouth, I could see a small trench he had dug into the surface of the apple that stretched half the way around the other side.

Our 18 month old had gone into the kitchen, opened the fridge, pulled the crisper drawer open, taken out an apple and walked through the house eating it. Okay, he left the door open, but we have plenty of time to work on that.

Radio Controlled Jet Plane

Our seven year old received a belated Christmas present from a family member. It was a radio controlled "jet" plane made by the Estes rocket people. It has an internal turbo fan engine rather than a propeller on the nose. Just battery operated, no burning fuel.

The box spelled out that it was for ages 14 to adult. Fourteen? Our son is seven. Well, we put it together and took it to the park. It was difficult to fly, but with hand-eye coordination that many seven year olds get from playing video games, we felt he could handle it. It will be just a matter of time before he masters the controls.

Hooch Shiner

Our little Hooch was playing inside the drapes, twirling himself around. When he came out, he twirled his eye into the corner of the table. He's got a pretty good shiner on the side of his eye. Ouch!

The Jungle

Our seven year old son turned his top bunk into a jungle. He drew several dozen vines on paper and hung them up from the ceiling. He has decorated the entire bunk and the walls with jungle theme and placed lizards and other jungle toy animals around. He also put up an entire set of glow in the dark insects. Pretty cool. It keeps him off the street.

No, Poon!

Children grow in quantum leaps. Our 18 month old is no exception. Just yesterday, he took the next step in a number of different areas. Mrs. Scott offered him a fork to eat food, and he responded not only with a word, but with two. "No, poon!", was his response, referring to a spoon. He started getting into new things, started pressing new buttons on things, repeated words to his bedtime songs. He usually takes my lunch box to the kitchen when I get home. Last night he also unzipped it and put everything away.

New Yoise

New Years' was fairly uneventful. Mrs. Scott is sick and the kids stayed up late, but our oldest crapped out about 15 minutes too early. Our neighborhood is usually a hot bed of fireworks and barrel bombs, but this year was wimpy. There wasn't even anybody to share the bottle of champagne my boss gave me last Christmas. Maybe next year. Hey, next year is today!

Head Solo

Our oldest got a Star Wars Lego set for Christmas, complete with both white and black stormtroopers. There's also a Darth Vader and Han Solo. Well, his kid brother accidentally stepped on Han Solo and decapitated him. Now he's Head Solo.

Table Talk Amongst Three Year Olds

Friends of ours are having a baby, so we're watching their kids. At the lunch table, one three year old says to the other kids, "Hey, have you gone to Power Rangers dot com? They have lots of good video games." Kids, these days.

I Pulled My Head Out

Our three year old dropped something on the floor at dinner. He crawled under the table to get it, but... "I'm stuck!....I got it. I pulled my head out."

"We'll be asking you to do a lot of that in your life."

He Has A Fever - Feel His Brain

Our three year old: "My brother has a fever; feel his brain!"

Cough

Everybody's coughing in our house. It's music. Or maybe anti-music. When three kids cough in their sleep during the night, it's hard to think the house isn't under attack by aliens or something. It's a good thing we bought stock in Kleenex.

Now Bigger

Our one year old now weighs more than our almost four year old. This should be interesting in the next few years.

Dwaham Twackah

So says our three year old. You and I may pronounce this, "graham cracker."

Bunk Rookie

Ouch. Our seventeen month old can scale his older brothers' bunk bed foot boards and make it to the top bunk. Yesterday he did it three times within five minutes. The totally scary thing is that he can't even sit in a chair at the dining room table or be on his brother's lower bunk without taking thumping spills to the floor every so often, several times per day. We had to take immediate action and cover the hand and foot holds and make the other kids scale up via an added on ladder I put on when we assembled it. He has the adventure without the skills yet.

Leaves

Every year we have a family tradition. Our silver maple in the front yard turns a beautiful red in the fall. The leaves fall on the lawn. So, we rake up all the leaves into a great big pile and the kids jump in and play. They throw leaves up in the air, roll around, laugh. It's a great time. We take tons of photos. This year the next door neighbor kid joined in. Then we rake them up again, which is no effort compared to the fun we have. We had to cancel our raking plans the previous two weekends so this weekend when we finally got around to it, the leaves were disintegrated to a good degree, but still fun nonetheless.

Night Baseball

We were out in the back the other night. We were in the dark playing baseball with a black ball. The kids could still see the thing and hit it square. Are we old folks that blind?

Chickenbones

Mrs. Scott makes a dish that is an oven fried batch of chicken drumsticks. Crunchy crumb like covering baked in the oven. Our kids call the result, "chicken bones."

Voting For Sandy Koufax

After dropping our oldest off at school today, I went to the polls with the rest of the family. Mrs. Scott and I voted in the political election. As we were leaving home, our one year old picked up a Sandy Koufax baseball card off the floor and brought it with him. He showed it to the election workers as if he wanted to vote for Koufax.

Becuase I Like Them Backwards

Daddy: "Your underwear is on backward"

Our three year old: "That's becuase I like them on backwards."

The "G" Word

Mrs. Scott: "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, girl, blah, blah, blah, blah"

Our seven year old: "Did I hear the G-word?"

MS: "What's that?"

7: "Girl?"

MS: "Yes."

Our one year old: "Guhl."

I Haven't Seen That Since I Was Three Years Old

Mrs. Scott needed a magnifying glass to read the serial number on an electronic part. I directed her to our seven year old since he had a magnifying glass to look at bugs. He replied, "I don't know where it is. I haven't seen that since I was three years old."

MIddle Of The Night Catch

Our one year old had great trouble falling asleep tonight. We figured out that he had an earache, so Mrs. Scott sent me out to find an all night store to buy some kiddie meds. I returned and we gave him some cherry flavored whateveritwas, then we ended up playing catch with a ball in the wee hours, all at his doing. He ran and got a glove, too. He's now asleep.

Sax

Our oldest is in the first grade and did homwork tonight on the sound made by the letter 'x'. One of his tasks was to circle all the pictures of objects that ended in 'x'. When I asked why he didn't circle that one (I pointed to the sax), he answered that saxophone didn't end in 'x'.

On The Front Porch

I sat with our one year old on the front porch yesterday. There are two chairs on the porch. He saw me sit in one about two weeks ago and decided he wanted to be there just like daddy. So yesterday he climbed up into one as if to beg me to do the same. I did. I slapped my arms down on the chair's arms and he did the same. My feet touch the ground, but his barely reach the edge of the chair.

Walk The Dog

The other day our oldest and middle sons came out of their room with a crazy act. The oldest held a leash that they made out of a "Zoob" connector set, while the youngest had it around his neck and acted like a dog. What a crackup.

Six Pack

Mrs. Scott pointed out to me our 3 year old's exposed abs when she was holding him upside down while they were goofing around. He curled up toward her in one of those gym class situps. He looked ripped. He's just got this athletic body type, a muscular three year ole, and he's good at sports type of activities.

Young Driver

Today our youngest had a cold so he couldn't be in church nursery. I took him out to the car and I sat in the front seat to do some things. I brought him up front with me and he lit up like a Christmas tree, taking the steering wheel and turning it gleefully. He was having a blast. He has watched me and Mrs. Scott drive for months and now it was his turn. He also found the electric window buttons and the gear shift. Wheeee!

Cold Bludid

The other night I sat with our six year old as he did his homework. One sheet asked him to write a short story. The line started off as, "I want to learn all about ____" with a number of blank lines. He wrote that he wanted to learn all about "cold bludid animals, lisrs and crocodils", which translated into second grade is, "cold blooded animals, lizards and crocodiles."

Daddy's Shoes

Not only does our youngest (he's now 15 months old) put my briefcase away when I get home and hand me my lunch on my way out the door, he opens the door for me, then hands me my lunch. This last week he has taken to pulling my shoes out of the closet when I get dressed. Yesterday he pulled both sets of shoes out, my brown pair and my black pair. He pulled one of each out first and put them on the bed in front of me as I was dressing. I laughed and commented on how he mixed the colors. Mrs. Scott whispered that I should wait to see if he figured it out. He got a second pair and put them on the bed, too. He paused and looked at them, arranged in order on the bed, black, brown, black, brown. He then grabbed both brown shoes and put them together. I thanked him and put on my black shoes because they went with the outfit I already had on, and put my brown ones back in the closet just after he walked away. He then came back to the closet and started whining, grabbed the brown shoes and gave them to me. It's like he wanted me to wear the brown ones all along.

A Great Day At The Ballpark With One Of My Kids

Last week I had a great experience at the game with our three year old who is a big baseball fan. He put on a better show than the Giants in the Kids Fun Lot. Read about it here at my baseball blog.

Daddy's Lunch

Our 14 month old gets my lunch off the table and hands it to me every morning now when I go to work. It doesn't weigh very much (to me), but he's still little. He struggles, but seeing his determination to help daddy is wonderful.

Hot Foot

I have a large bottle of hot sauce, 32 oz. to be exact, that I use on many a meal. I was shaking it up before pouring. It has one of those screw-on caps that also flip open on a tiny hinge revealing a hole from which to pour. Somehow, the cap came unscrewed while I was shaking. It spurted out all over the dishwasher, my shirt and onto the kitchen floor. A glob spilled on my foot. I wiped it off and also took a shower the next morning. But later at work, my foot started to burn. It was a bit spicy all day.

Beer On Daddy's Shirt

I was wearing my Beerean.com t-shirt (view here) that Mrs. Scott bought for me. Our three year old asked, "Daddy, is there beeah on your shoit?"

Daddy's Briefcase

Our 14 month old rushes to the door and opens it for me when I get home from work. Once in and I start setting things down, I head for the bedroom. Several times now he has taken my briefcase and dragged it over to where I keep it, next to the dresser. It's heavy for him so he drags it on the floor. It's really cute to see him help out at his age.

Nigh-Night

Our little one knows what "nigh-night" means. It's time to go to bed, either for a nap or at night. He can say "nigh-nigh" and he'll go around the house kissing everybody good night. He might have his blanket and he'll run to his crib. Occasionally he feels tired and will go around to everybody all on his own.

Playing Upside Down

I like to play "upside down" with the kids. The little one enjoys it most. I hold them upside down by their ankles, and set them down hands first on the floor. Our oldest is the heaviest by far, so he's difficult. I always fear dropping them on their heads, but it usually doesn't happen that way.

Amen!

Sometimes I sing the Doxology to our one year old at bedtime:

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly host
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Amen

He said, "Amen" right before I did.

Who Needs Girl's Night Out?

I was talking to Mrs. Scott on the phone the other day when I heard our middle son in the background saying with a raised voice, "Who needs girl's night out?! We don't like girl's night out!" I don't know what possessed him to say this, but I know he was referring to the nights that Mrs. Scott goes to the ballgame with her friend, Nora.

More

Our 14 month old learned a new word recently. "More." We had watermelon as one of the items for dinner, and he repeated, "more" after each few chunks. He ate a lot of watermelon.

It's All Your Fault, Oprah!

Our six year old was playing on-line video games and accidentally clicked on something that threw him back to our ISP's home page. One of the main stories (they rotate between photos) contained a picture of Oprah, which just happened to be on the screen at the time. Venting his frustration, he blurted out, "It's all your fault, Oprah!"

Six Year Old Installs Google Toolbar

Our six year old son plays video games on the Cartoon Network website and the Lego site. Somehow, he managed to accidentally install the Google toolbar search window to our computer's toolbar section. Somehow. I've been wanting that little box for quite some time because I have it at work. When confronted with this deed, he replied, "What's a Google?"

Bicycling Fool

Our six year old received a new bike from his Nana. He had a bit of experience with his cousin's over at Grandma's, but now he has his own. He took to it very fast. We brought it over to Grandma's for its maiden voyage. He took off around the cul de sac and went like he was a pro. During a fly-by, he rode with one hand, pumping the other in the air. Kids these days.

Olympic Hopeful

During the Olympics our TV was, well, on. Our 3 1/2 year old watched intently. He was able to name many of the sports and asked about others. He did summersaults on the sofa. He asked what the swords were for. Fencing. One night when talking about the Olympics with mommy, he said, "I want to play baseball in the Olympics someday."

Muh-Muh

Our thirteen month old is talking a bit, and calls my mom, who we call "grandma", "Muh-muh." His pronunciation is off a bit, but that's okay. A few days ago we went over to my folks' house and when we turned into the driveway, he got extremely excited and yelled, "MUH-muh, MUH-muh!" Before we left we told him we were going there, and put his shoes and socks on.

The next day, he went and got his shoes and socks, brought them to Mrs. Scott and said, "Muh-muh." He wanted to get in the car and go there.

Ice Tweem!

I gave our middle son a bowl of ice cream after he ate all his lunch. I went into the kitchen to do something else and heard him say, "Ice tweem is the best food in the whole wide woild!"

Hoocha's First Shiner

Our little(est) one received his first shiner. He climbed on top of his older brother's desk. We don't know whether he fell off or his brother pushed him. He's very large for his age and can climb easily up high, but doesn't quite have the coordination to do all these things well. So he's got a shiner under his left eye.

In-A-Gadda-Da-Video-Game

Our oldest has been playing video games for a while now. The Cartoon Network has tons of video games on its website with its cartoon characters in the games. There's a certain background music that plays during the game that sounds exactly like Iron Butterfly's psychedelic sound from the 60's.

Potty Trained

Our three year old had to go pee the other day. Really bad. One problem, mommy was in there and couldn't exit. So, he ran out to the garage where is training potty was stored, brought it into the bathroom to show her he found it, ran back out into the garage, peed in it, then brought the insert back in to dump out in the toilet. Amazing what kids can figure out all by themselves.

Pulling Out The Tablecloth

There was so much spillage on our antique wood dining room table that Mrs. Scott put a vinyl table cloth on it. Now our 1 year old pulls the table cloth off the table, spilling everything all over the floor.

A New Street In Front Of Our House

The county resurfaced our street this week. That day, I had occasion to talk to our three year old on the phone from work. He said, "They built a new street in front of our house, daddy."

La-Z-Boy for a Lazy Boy

A few months ago, my brother's family gave us a child's version of a La-Z-Boy chair, and it's a recliner. It is quite small and would fit our three year old quite well. He sat in it occasionally, and slept the night in it for a week or so. For some reason he stopped. Now our one year old has taken it over. He looks just like a middle-aged dad sitting there with his arms on the chair arms.

Take Me Out To The Bathroom

Our three year old was in the bathroom going potty. He started sining really loud. His song? Take Me Out To The Ballgame.

Not A Pumpkin

Our three year old did a good deed, so Mrs. Scott praised him, saying, "You're a good pumpkin!" He replied, "I'm not a pumpkin. I'm a sports fan."

Red, White and Blue

Our kids got their hair cut the other night. The oldest got red gel in his hair. The middle one got blue gel. The youngest one got no gel, but is so blond it looks white. Perfect for July.

Ball

Our one year old can now say the word, "ball." He throws one, too.

Countertop Buffet

Our one year old has discovered the step stool. Our three year old uses a step stool quite often for various things. The other day, our three year old got something high in the kitchen, and our one year old, who is very large and tall, stepped up and started pulling food off of a cutting board to eat. We're not used to this starting quite so early.

Heat Wave And Warm Summer Nights

We're having a heat wave this week. It reached 109 degrees today, almost 10 degrees above the forecast. The weatherman missed. This summer I have a car with air conditioning. Wahoo! With our six year old out in the back yard in the dark, it's still about 95 degrees outside. He's playing with the neighbor kid over the fence. I remember those care free warm summer evenings of my childhood. To be a kid again.

Outtatheway Now

Sometimes around our house, because it is so small, I'll say, "Outta the way", then repeat it again faster until it becomes, "Outtatheway, outtatheway, outtatheway now!", in like fashion to the Red Hot Chili Peppers song, "Give It Away Now."

Smoke On The Water

Our six year old has a CD player by his bed and has listened to music while going to sleep for quite some time now. We used to play lullaby music, then his love for the Cars movie soundtrack had him playing it nightly for over a year until it got scratched up to the point of not working. We recently got him a classic rock CD, and he hums Smoke on The Water all the time.

Oven Fry

Our little one did something spectacular a few days ago. He was goofing off in the kitchen, where we have child safety devices on all the important cabinets and drawers. A couple of cabinets we have left available for him to play in, as we have with each of our children. The pots and pans are left unlocked because they present no real problem, and the canned goods pantry (which I converted from a fold-out ironing board) is fun for him because he can open it and roll soup cans across the floor.

Mrs. Scott heard him messing around and went in to see him. He had opened the oven door and climbed up on top of the door, and was playing with the oven rack and with the gas knobs. He had the most adventurous kind of grin on his face, as in, "look at what I did, mommy!" The oven was cold, so nothing wrong happened. From now on he'll be in his play pen when dinner is being cooked.

My Water Broke

Yesterday, Mrs. Scott called to tell me that a strange fountain of flowing water was coming up out of the ground in the back yard, near the fence, and was flowing into the neighbor's fish pond. Could I please come home from work. The neighbor turned our water main off, and it stopped within five minutes. My parents were on their way over as well. So, I grabbed a pile of work and went home. Just before leaving, my boss diagnosed the problem: "you bought an older home."

I arrived home and we did some investigation. A sprinkler pipe that had been buried by a previous owner burst and water was leaking out. There was a T fitting with both pipes broken off. It was packed with dirt. It had been connected to the sprinkler main in the front yard and was subject to water pressure for four years, at least. It just took four years for the dirt to spring a leak. The dirt was all that was preventing a flood. We capped the pipe off, and I offered the neighbor the cleaning up of the mess. With this discovery, we may be able to use the existing pipes without having to do a full blown sprinkler system in the back yard.

Granola

Our six year old: "Mommy, can I have some candy?" "Mommy, can I have a popsicle?" "Mommy, can I have some soda?"

Our three year old: "mommy, can I have some cucumber?" "Mommy, can I have a tomato?" "Mommy, can I have some broccoli?"

Speaking of French

Our eleven month old has learned how to kiss. We've been kissing him good night, etc., ever since he was born. He opens his mouth wide and sticks his tongue out so that he can kiss. It's pretty wet, like a French kiss.

Speaking French

A few nights ago we were on the metro train on our way to a ballgame. Our six year old wasn't holding on so we told him to grab a bar. "What would happen?" he asked. I answered, "The train will stop quickly and you will fall to the floor and your head will hit the floor and crack open and your brains will spill out all over the floor and we'll have to pick up your brains and stuff them back into your head." Mrs. Scott quickly added, "and they'll be scrambled so you'll only be speaking French."

Baby Ketchup

Our nearly one year old is only one pound lighter than our three and a half year old. His diapers are tighter also. (Our three and a half year old is successfully potty training and doesn't wear a diaper anymore, so this was true recently). The little one is still shorter, but beefier. He's ketching up. Soon, he'll be bigger than his brother. Last night some people on the train asked who was the older one. Mrs. Scott thinks that was a dumb question, because our baby still looks like a baby, while our toddler looks like a boy.

Peer Pressure

From the world of skiing: somebody who skis is a skier.
On seeing (spiritual or prophetic): somebody who sees is a seer.
About going pee: somebody who pees is a peer.

Yesterday for our kindergardener's last day of school, the class went to the park. One of the kids started daring and urging the others to pee in the bushes. Our son did. Now, that's what you call peer pressure.

My Eyes Are Boring

Mommy: "How come you're not tired?"
Three year old up past his bed time: "Because my eyes are boring."

Are We There Yet?

With all the trips in the car we've made over the years, it's funny that not one of our kids have ever asked, "Are we there yet?"

Commercial Breakfast

Our three year old was watching a cartoon in the morning. I fixed some toast for him to eat for breakfast. In our house we have a rule for the kids that they eat only at the dining room table. But the TV can't be seen from the table. So he figured out all for himself the best way to eat breakfast and watch his cartoon. Eat during the commercials.

Psalm 23

Our kindergartner is reading Psalm 23 by himself from a bible, to his mom, as I type. He is memorizing it in his class at school and has been learning to read this year. It is wonderful to see him and hear him do this. "Was I reading?" Yes, you were.

The Bullpen

If we don't want our youngest to get into things while we are busy with something else, we put him in his play pen. As a baseball family I wonder why it took us so long to come up with a nickname for the playpen: The Bullpen

Walker

Our eleven month old has been walking. He is now a proficient walker. He can walk across an entire room and even into the next. He isn't perfect, but he crawls a lot less now. He falls back on his bum a lot less, and he can stand for long periods of time. He can now stand with his bigger brothers, like today at the screen door when the mailman came.

Beddie Bye

All three of our young ones fell asleep within just a minute or two of being put to bed. That's almost unbelievable. Somebody is usually awake for a while.

Tres Sickos

All three of the kids are sick this weekend. Mrs. Scott had a terrible cold last week. Each one has at least one malady, with stuff flowing out from everywhere. Mrs. Scott worked in the church nursery, so I stayed home to be with them.

Big People's Cartoons

On Friday, our three year old was watching a cartoon on TV, when at the end of the cartoon, about noon, the next program came on. It was a political talk show. "I don't like big people cartoons."

Maddamorphagus

I sat in on our kindergartner's class the other day to observe and help the teacher with the class. She was talking about a silk worm going from caterpillar to moth. He raised his hand and said, "that's maddamorphagus."

Will You Dance With Me, Mommy?

Mommy likes to dance with our three year old when a Van Morrison song comes on the radio. Not goofy, shake your booty kind of dancing, but the cheek to cheek variety. Kinda like it might be when he gets married someday. But today the tables were turned. He is the one who recognized the song, and he asked, "will you dance with me, mommy?"

Almost the Twelve Step

Our almost-eleven month old is now taking more steps, usually 4-5. Mrs. Scott informs me that he took even a few more this weekend. So, I say he's walking now.

I Want To Go Back To My Cabinet

Our three year old, on our trip home from church camp where we stayed in a "cabin", said in the car, "I want to go back to my cabinet" a number of times.

Baby's First Steps

Our ten month old "Hoocha" took some steps this last week. On several occasions, he took a single step between transferring hands. Today, he took two steps without holding on to anything. He had a clear goal of walking from Mrs. Scott to me about ten feet away. Nothing to hold on to, he dropped down to his knees after the two steps. Getting close.

Sick Day

During most of last night p.m. our six year old was experiencing stomach pains. Then while watching the movie "Are We There Yet?" the part came where Nick asked the kids what else could happen to the car and the son hurled all over the inside of the windshield. Thirty seconds later we had instant replay in our house. Then, this morning the youngest had diarrhea. It's just going to be kinda lazy around here today.

Fangs

Our little Hoocha has his eye teeth growing in, and if you look up into his open mouth, they definitely look like fangs. He'll probably have more teeth in by Halloween, so we need to take pictures pretty quick here.

Those Neighbor Kids

Sometimes mommies get their children's names mixed up, calling one by another's name. But you know that she's had one of those days when she calls one of her kids by the neighbor kid's name.

Black Eye Photo

Our nine month old had some pictures taken for a cutest baby in the history of the universe type of contest. Not long before the photo shoot, he tangled it up with a chair and got a black eye. Hopefully they can touch it up.

Cruisin' For A Bruisin'

Our nine month old is "cruising." He's essentially walking but holding on to something his entire path length. Walking along the entire front of the couch or the table or something else. But at the end, he sometimes falls. Cruisin' for a bruisin'.

The Lingering Tooth

Our oldest just lost his top front tooth. A kid in his class had the same loose tooth, and it was loose in the same way. It was like they had a race to see whose tooth came out first. The other kid won by just a few days. But ours put his tooth in a Lego contraption to await the tooth fairy. Or was it an agent of the federal government? Anyway, the hole in his face is very large.

On a side note, our youngest has had his two bottom teeth broken through for a couple months now, but is now having what appears to be his eye teeth come in on top.

Pillow Flop

I found our nine month old doing something odd yesterday. He was playing with his brothers on the floor, when I saw him sit up on his knees, raise his hands all the way up in the air, then fall face forward into a pile of pillows. He repeated this about twenty times. Amazing.

Level Sleep

Our nine month old is sleeping in a more regular position. We had propped up one end of his crib mattress a while back with some towels to allow his head to be raised because he had a cold. Mrs. Scott took the towels out yesterday, and he's sleeping more regularly with his head pointed toward the window.

Blood, Skulls and Fire

Last night, I got to sit down and draw with my six year old. We did a drawing competition. I drew a picture of our back yard, while he drew a picture of a skull with fire coming out of the scalp, next to a nocturnal winged creature with fangs and blood dripping out of its mouth. The skull was a skull because it had the blood sucked out of it by the creature, and that's why it was on fire. Kids these days.

Training Wheels Are For Kids

Our six year old started riding a bicycle today at grandma's house. No training wheels, he just started riding. I wasn't there to see it, but next time I'm over there, he can show daddy.

Jungle Boogie

Time to cut down the jungle in the back yard. Slashing the old rainforest. I'm taking a day off from work so Mrs. Scott can run some important errands and meet some important appointments. I plan to attack the yard.

Weed Man

Earlier this week, our six year old, without any prompting or motivation from us, took a garbage can onto the front lawn and weeded the entire front yard. Unbelievable. We won't argue.

Nicknames

We have several nicknames for our kids. But it seems the major ones are Spam, Boo-Boo and Hoocha, oldest to youngest.

How Come You Don't Have A Drawer There?

While brushing my three year old's teeth, he noticed that every door and drawer of the bathroom cabinets had a handle. Except one. The one just in front of the sink doesn't have a knob. It's because the sink is right behind it and a drawer can't work. So he asked, "how tome you don't have a drawer there?"

Winston

Our 8 month old has fuzzy blond hair, just like daddy's. But when it gets wet, like in the bath tub, it can be combed in various ways, and takes on a somewhat strawberry blond like color. One combing makes him look like Winston Chruchill. All he needs is a three piece suit and a cigar.

My Weg Is Scwatching

Thus saith mine thrice birthdayed lad, as he scratched his leg. "You mean, your leg is itching?" I replied.

Mommy's Little Vanilla Cupcake

Our nearly eight month old has a new nickname. Mrs. Scott has started calling him "little vanilla cupcake." She's also called him "vanilla bean" but the cupcake moniker seems to be sticking.

Creepy Crawly

Our seven month old is now fully crawling around the house. He started up on all fours a few days ago. Previously, he crawled on his belly for over a month. He can overturn the laundry basket and pull things down off of low shelves. We got the door gates out. Watch out!

Christmas In February

Each year, we have at least four Christmas celebrations. On Christmas Eve, we celebrate with Mrs. Scott's family on her mom's side. Christmas morning we celebrate with our immediate family at home. Christmas evening, we celebrate with my side of the family. Then, due to busyness with everybody else, we celebrate with Mrs. Scott's family on her dad's side. This year saw some of his younger daughters in college or working, etc., and the only time we could gather was yesterday, in February. We went to the Nut Tree and had ice cream at Fenton's. All the kids played games and went on the rides and train. Merry Christmas, everybody!

The Packifier

I am under continual care of a chirpractor. I occasionally take my kids. Our three year old can't say "chiropractor", but instead says "packifier."

Green Bean Aversion

Our little guy, now seven months old, is a black sheep of sorts in the family. Everybody loves green beans in our family. But he cries when Mrs. Scott feeds him green beans. I hate to think I might be raising a child that hates green beans.

Mustard Sandwich

Our three year old eats a mustard sandwich. Two slices of wheat bread with standard yellow mustard on each slice. He puts the two pieces together and eats. Simple, he eats it, is happy, it's funny.

I Can Spell "Horse"

My six year old was spelling words in the car, when my almost-three year old chimed in with, "I can spell 'horse.' E-D-eleven-E."

He's Crawling

Our six month old is learning how to crawl. He's been able to roll over for well over a month now, but he can now navigate the living room floor. We're in trouble. Time to move everything.

Foog

I was driving our six year old to school last week when it was particularly foggy. He said, "Hey, daddy, I know how to spell 'fog.' F-O-O-G" I told him that he actaually spelled, "foog." He found his mistake funny, and we spent the entire time in the car making fun of the word "foog."

Jammy Up!

In our house, we've taken to an expression near bedtime. Jammy up! This is when the kids get their jammies on. Once done, the term swithces to past tense - jammied up.

Ant Invasion!

We had an ant invasion this weekend. Of course, nobody likes to deal with ants, but we accomplished some other maintenance things in moving all the furniture away from the walls. So, it was good for us to get the ants.

Football Hurts

I was talking to our six year old about sports yesterday. I asked him what they try to do in football when a player has the ball. He responded with, "They try to hurt him." I said, no, they try to tackle him to the ground. He then added, "They try to make him hurt so bad they need an ambulance. [pause] They try to send him to the hospital."

Betause Dod Made It Dat Way

Our middle son has a funny way of saying things. Of course he does, he's two. Sometimes there's no way to answer some of his questions other than saying, "Because God made it that way." Mrs. Scott asked him why something happened and he replied, "Betause Dod made it dat way."

Chunky Monkey

Our baby boy is almost six months old. Our middle son is almost three years old. Our baby has been consistently in the 95% percentile or so in weight. He is a whopping 22 lbs. Our middle son is 26 lbs. and doesn't register on the weight charts. They wear the same size diaper.

The Top Doc

Last week, all of the kids came down with a cold. One night when we went to bed, I mentioned to our six year old that everybody was sick, and that Jesus was the Chief Physician who could heal everybody. He replied with, "Oh, you mean He's the 'Top Doc.' "

Knowing Mary Jane's Pet Skunk

Recently I was putting our six year old into the car, when he said something. I didn't know what was happening at the time, and I had my back to the action. But he said, "Hey, what's that icky smell? It smells like skunk. (pause) Oh, it's a cigarette." I smelled it after he said it smelled like a skunk. I could tell that there were some people on the other side of the car next to us, but they walked away before I could turn around. Yep, skunk weed it was. My six year old knows Mary Jane.

Daddy's Li'l Fuzzy

Our five month old has daddy's hair. The same style, the same hair line, the same color. It has changed from strawberry blond at birth to towhead blond now. It's that really fine baby hair that when blown upon looks like a wave of grain in a wind swept field. Then the hair falls back into place. I call him "Daddy's li'l fuzzy."

It's Not Polite To Chew With Food In Your Mouth

Our oldest was eating with his mouth open the other night at dinner. Mrs. Scott corrected him with the slip of the tongue in the title. His dumbfounded reaction was priceless.

Jumping Jack Flash

The other day, I was on the phone with Mrs. Scott and our 2 1/2 year old wanted to talk to me. So she gave him the phone. He has been playing copycat with his older brother's jumping jacks from PE. He told me about his jumping jacks and put the phone down on the floor so I could see him through the phone jumping.

When I Grow Up To Be A Man

I've been listening to a recent purchase of a Beach Boys CD, a greatest hits kind of recording. One of the songs is titled, "When I Grow Up To Be A Man." It is a song in which the singer ponders the future and asks many questions about how he will deal with life. It was obviously intended to give the listener - mostly teenagers back in the 60's - some things to think about. Since I've already grown up to be a man, I've been listening to this song in terms of our oldest son, who is now six.

I know a great deal awaits us, and many surprises to be sure, but it's still a great source of contemplation. I hope he grows up to be a man, and one who is content in his lot in life, and can live it to the fullest unto the Lord.

Speaking of From the Front Porch

Here's a shot from my front porch.

Daddy, I'm Nuded!

Our two year old said a very funny thing the other day. After his bath, he ran in to get his jammies on. Because he had no clothes on yet, he said, "Daddy, I'm nuded!" He used the word nuded instead of naked.

Our Bionic Five Year Old

Traffic was slow this morning on the freeway on the way to school. I merged at about 30 mph before I could work my way over to the carpool lane. Our son said, "Daddy, I can run as fast as all these cars right now." After questioning him on this, and as traffic got really heavy, I asked, "You can run just as fast as all these cars?" He answered, "No, now there's too many of them."

Dampa Dampa

"Dampa Dampa" is our two year old's way of saying "grandma and grandpa." He says "damma" for grandma and "dampa" for grandpa, but when putting the two together, he can only use the same word twice.

He now says "daddy" and has been for about two months. He, like most toddlers, pronounced the first "d", but the double "d" was silent, so "daddy" results in "da'y."

Backward Magnets, Cool Train

Mrs. Scott bought our two oldest some wooden trains, and they fit the Thomas track, but are a third party brand. Only problem is that the polarity of the magnets that act as couplers are reverse from the Thomas brand trains so that cars could not be mixed together. But anxiety was soon turned to blissful joy for all of us when we discovered that an engine could then be placed at the end of the train, facing backward, just like real trains. This one we could not do with mere Thomas trains. Cool.

First Tooth Gone

Our oldest lost his first tooth today. Quite an ordeal over the last week, when it first became loose. He's really handsome so I'm wondering what a few years of holes in his face will do to his pictures. Some kids just look goofy.

Stadium Lights

When I'm playing baseball with the kids in the back yard, and it gets dark, I turn on two lights, one outside each door. These act as stadium lights so we can play into the night.

More Stuff from the Kids

Our five year old said recently:

"I think I'll live until I die." "Stupid cars!," referring to traffic on the freeway on the way to school.

The Smart Part

Following the last post, I found out how he rounds out the family. With me as the climb-on part and mommy as the love part, he views his little brother as the play part and himself as the smart part.

The Climb On Part

I was talking to our five year old last night, and he wanted to pray. I mentioned that mommy was a special part of our family. He replied, "She's the love part." When I asked him what part daddy was, he said, "The Climb-on part."

Buckwheat Say, "Otay!"

So does our two year old. His speech is developing at a rapid pace. His second d's are silent in "daddy", so when he says, "okay, daddy" it sounds like, "otay, da'y." The li'l rascal.

My Least Favorite Day of NFL Football

Last Sunday was my favorite day of NFL football, the conference championship games. This Sunday is my least favorite. There's no game at all. Another week of waiting for the SuperBowl to be played. I'm not sure why football needs two weeks off before the SuperBowl, but a few years back, they reverted to one week (I think it was when they added a bye week to the regular season). I enjoyed that. I'm not keen on all the hype before the big game, and the week off just adds to it.

My Favorite Day of NFL Football

Tomorrow is my favorite Sunday on the NFL schedule, the conference championships. They lack the nonsense of the SuperBowl. They're definitely not played at neutral sites. This Sunday is likely to be the worst weather Sunday in many locations, a football plus. The fans are electrified because the SuperBowl is on the line. All the regular fans have an opportunity to see the game in person, because they're already ticket holders. I hope to see two good games. My predictions: Chicago and New England. Who I'd like to see: New Orleans and Indianapolis.

Yesternight and Yesteryear

Our five year old is mixing up his pieces of language. Recently he's been applying "yester" from "yesterday" to other time references. We drove past the hardware store (we had been there the night before) and he said, "hey, we were there yesternight." He's also spoken of last Christmas with the word "yesteryear." It's fun to watch their language develop.

Wrapping Paper

There are two rolls of Christmas wrapping paper leaning up against the wall at the corner of the coat closet door, just a few feet away from the computer desk. One is red and the other is green. Same pattern. Alternating figures of snowflakes and deer. It's storming outside with high winds and rain. Everybody is asleep. The news is on late night re-run. I hate hearing the news again so it's enough to make me get up.

There, turned it off. In just a couple of days, all the decorations will come down and the tree will be gone. I'll be back to work, and our house will look relatively bare for a few days until normalcy sets back in. Need to fix the hole in the hall linen closet wall so the towels and sheets don't get that crawlspace musty smell all winter. My dad dropped off a piece of sheetrock big enough for me to do the job.

Time for a beer, go to the bathroom and go to bed. I love the silence and solitude of the wee hours.

Autumn Weather

My favorite season of the year is autumn. It used to be summer because I loved the heat and long days. But these days I'm not so keen on heat. Autumn starts with summer fading out. Shadows getting longer, nights and mornings get cooler. Leaves turning colors. There's a certain feeling about the sun and air. A certain faint smell too. I can't put my finger on it.

Later in the fall, a chill sets in. There's nothing like an autumn day raking leaves in a sweatshirt.

But now it's downright cold, and we're right at winter's door. I love the absence of bugs and other pests this time of year, but it takes too much to get used to the cold. My favorite season is now past.

The Beach and Home Depot

My five year old loves to talk about the trucks he sees on the way to school. We talked about the possibility of a dump truck hauling sand, so I asked him if he could name two places where sand came from.

"The beach," was one. In my mind, the desert is an obvious number two, but in his limited experience with the world, he answered, "and Home Depot."

Mommy Has A New Brain

Here's a hilarious discussion I had with my near 5 year old this morning in the car.

Son: "Hey, daddy, mommy has a new brain."
Me: "Oh, really? Where did she get it? Did she buy it at the store?"
Son: "Noooooh!"
Me: "That would be silly, wouldn't it?"
Son: "No, brains aren't silly."
Me: "Oh, okay. Well, what makes you think mommy has a new brain?"
Son: "Whenever she can't see me, she still knows what I do."
Me: "You mean like when you hit your brother, and she's not watching, but she still knows?"
Son: "Yeah."

Album Review #1: Led Zeppelin IV

Led Zeppelin established themselves as a major force in music by the time of their 4th and untitled album. Led Zeppelin IV is not only one of their greatest, it's one of the greatest in rock history. The RIAA lists it as the third best-selling album in US history - from any genre. I think it deserves the acclaim it so often gets.

Unlike many rock groups, each of Zep's members bring a distinct personality to the group, contributing their own musical stamp, and none of them are simply keepers of rhythm. On IV, they establish themselves as masters not only of music, but as masters over music as well. Usually, the time dictates the boundaries of the music, whether 3/4 or 4/4. But Zeppelin mixes it up with some 3/4 time (I think) within a 5/4 song - on Four Sticks - and on Misty Mountain Hop a 3/4 melody is repeatedly squeezed into a 4/4 time span over 16 beats, the 3/4 melody is repeated 5 times with a beat left over, leaving the listener with the impression that the beat changes. Black Dog's vocal breaks are bookended with guitarist Jimmy Page and drummer John Bonham's musical starts and stops at unexpected places in the musical flow. Try to predict the cymbal crashes while tapping your foot to see what I mean. John Paul Jones follows Page on the bass flawlessly.

All this adds up to some very catchy tunes that disrupt the listener's ability to tap his foot with any regularity. These are musical coups pulled off almost magically, and only add to Led Zeppelin's images of mystery and dark story telling. Speaking of this, The Battle Of Evermore is a Tolkienesque tale of middle earth fantasy and the combination of guest folk singer Sandy Denny's vocals and Jimmy Page's heavily reverberated mandolin drive the imagery home. Denny and vocalist Robert Plant swap and intertwine passionate vocals, alternating between being complimentary to and clashing with one another, creating an eerie, haunting sound.

Although Rock and Roll is a straightforward rock tune, Zeppelin performs it like nobody else could. With its use in Cadillac TV commercials, it is grafted into American culture. Stairway To Heaven is not only the group's most popular tune ever, it is viewed as the greatest rock song ever, and is the most requested number in radio history. It is also the song every aspiring rock guitarist desperately wants to play. Going To California is another example of a fine folk tune in a rock format and the powerful When The Levee Breaks is as good a blues song as it gets. Bonham's pounding bass drum and Plant's harmonica are foundational to the blues feel.

Jimmy Page is reported to have been a session guitarist on about 90% of all rock records to come out of Britain during the 60's invasion, and his mastery of production and studio technique shine through on this album. His layering of sounds and overdubbing guitars form almost an impressionist version of music. Listening to IV is a must under headphones. I know of no other album where every single track is routinely played in regular radio rotation 35 years later; this includes all other greatest hits records. Led Zeppelin IV is a must for all rock record collections.

Provincial Delights

Different areas of our land are well known for certain edible delights, whether natural or manmade. Often, the province is associated with that food directly. Here's a list of such associations:

Georgia peaches, Washington apples, Florida oranges, Vermont maple syrup, Idaho potatoes, Hawaiian pineapple, Nebraska corn - and the beef that feeds on it, Maine lobster, Alaskan crab, Texas chili, Boston clam chowder, San Francisco sourdough bread, Chicago deep dish pizza, Philly cheesesteak sandwiches, Seattle coffee, Wisconsin cheese and Kansas City barbecue.

What's the Difference?

Say, what's the difference between a turtle and tortoise, frog and toad, rabbit and hare and an alligator and crocodile anyway? My four year old knows more than me, I think.

Gipsy Kings and Beer Thirty on Fridays

For years, while it was smaller, my office had a long tradition of what was known as "beer-thirty." Every Friday afternoon, the newest hired person would go around the office and take orders from everybody as to what brand of beer they would like, and each would chip in a dollar or whatever a close amount would be. This individual would then go to the store and buy all the beers, bring them back and distrubute them, at close to 3:30, to each one. It was a great way for newbies to get to know everybody else in the office.

Occasionally, somebody else would bring chips and salsa, and a 12 pack of Coronas for a certain area of the office, to give beer thirty a Mexican flavor. Some tunes might have been added for a more festive atmosphere. One time a few years ago, I played My CD, "The Best of the Gipsy Kings", a wonderful collection of music from that flamenco-based guitar singing group.

Now, every Friday in our corner of the 3rd floor, at promptly 3:30, I play this CD loud enough for everybody to enjoy.

Kitchen in the Dining Room

My posting rate has declined in the last two months. A major do-it-yourself kitchen remodel has taken much of my time. The fridge, minus ice maker, is in the dining room along with boxes of dishes and cooking items. Less blogging and a better kitchen... all to the delight of Mrs. Scott.

More Stupid Bowl

Another several drawbacks to the neutral site of the Super Bowl. Fans (season ticket holders, generally) don't have the opportunity to see their team compete for the championship of football in their home stadium. Baseball, basketball and hockey fans do. Also, only a select few fans can gain tickets at face value, but likely need to travel a great distance and plan a stay in order to see their own team.

It's also at a "warm weather" site, which includes 72 degrees inside a dome in a bad weather site. I'd love to see the NFL's showcase at Lambeau Field or in Buffalo or Cleveland in frigid weather with snow falling. What a game that would be.

Super Bowl Memories

My favorite Super Bowl is the 1984 game when the Raiders destroyed the Redskins 38-9. It was at the time the largest margin of victory ever. Quite surprising of course given the season and pre-game hype. Washington had a media hype that outdid most teams in history. The "Smurphs" and the "Hogs" and the "Fun Bunch" were nicknames given to various groups of receivers, linemen and showoff celebrants because of their absolute dominance during the year. Joe Theismann, lone running back John Riggins, traditional straight-on kicker Mark Mosely, the largest offensive line ever. Even the fans were showcased in silly costumes wearing funny little pig noses. It was a fair-weather bandwagon ride of the century for any football fan, or not even fan. Heck, I even liked the team.

They were hailed as quite possibly the best team in history. Riggins was sooo good that they needed only one running back. They didn't mind the other team knowing he was the only man who will get the ball because he gained yards, regardless. Nearly a ton of linemen made sure of it. I'll never forget the pre-game analysis by Jimmy the Greek, in his usual checkmark comparisons between the two teams in every category. Washington got the checkmark in every single category... except one: "intangibles." That one went to the Raiders, in token fashion. Well, sometimes intangibles kick some pretty mean duff.

My favorite play was Jack Squirek's interception return of a Theismann screen pass for a TD. It was a play the 'Skins successfully used against the Raiders during the regular season for a huge gain. Well, the Raiders' coordinators guessed right, and deep in their own territory the 'Skins tried it again. It was one of the shortest returns in history, intercepted on about the 1mm line, and a quick step into the end zone. Another great play was Marcus Allen's broken counter direction run for about 75 yards. One completely satisfying aspect to the game was that the band-wagon hype combined with universal hatred of the Silver and Black had every other team's fans cheering for the 'Skins and against the Raiders. It was us against not only the greatest team in history, but the entire world as well.

Man, that one tasted good.

The Stupid Bowl

I'm not nearly the fan of football as I am of baseball, but I have liked it from my childhood. But one thing that irks me about football is its top showcase, the Superbowl. I've felt this way for over twenty years now, and recently figured out why. I much prefer the conference championship games. Even in baseball I prefer the league championships to the World Series, but not to the same degree.

First the obvious. Okay, it's true that I can do without the two week wait, the over-hyped media circus, the endless meaningless human interest stories, and the Vegas line on who will win the coin toss. On Super Sunday I can also do without the pomp of the player introductions, military flyovers, supposedly funny commercials that cost millions per second, the three hour halftime show and its nauseating pop music performances by undertalented, lip-sync'ing plastic people. You could give me a free ticket and I would never wave that stupid flashlight in the dark for the TV cameras. Who cares about Janet Jackson's ninnies anyway? I'm so glad I was looking the other direction at the party I attended. I saw gasps and pointed fingers from my fellow partiers, and missed the whole thing. I don't care who says how beautiful she is, she looks like her brother, and that's gut wrenching enough for me. Evander Holyfield, Ben & Jen, Bernie Mac and Jimmy Carter are in attendance? Another good reason to not be there.

But aside from all the styrofoam peanuts, the game itself is not what the conference championships are. Why not? The games are usually boring with more than their fair share of lopsided yawners. Remember the series of Superbowls where each year seemed to break the previous year's record for margin of victory? 32-9, 38-16, 44-whatever, 55-10? How can this happen between the two best teams in the league when it doesn't even happen in the regular season? Some of those victory margins aren't even duplicated when Nebraska plays Central Missouri Tech. But why?

Football is War

Football as a game, like other sports, is analagous to war, and is played like a war. It is brutal, physically draining, emotionally charged, ruthless and cruel. Teams spy on each other with advanced scouts and endless reviewing of game film. Deception and decoying are employed through the play action fake, showing of blitz, quick counts and flea flickers. The other team is attacked and it defends itself, waiting for an opportunity to attack back. Ground is captured, reserves brought in. To the victors go the spoils.

Neutral Site

Unlike a war, thought, the Superbowl is played on a neutral site. Wars are never fought on neutral ground, but on territory already occupied by one of the armies. This, I believe, is the top drawback in the lack of real excitement of the Superbowl and why teams can be beaten by such large margins. A whole lot can be said of the conference championships in this regard. "Let's go in there and shut 70,000 people up!" is not a motivator in the Superbowl. Nobody's territory is being invaded, neither defended. A token veneer of home and road uniforms is as close as it gets. Nothing feels more odd than two foul-weather teams playing each other in Miami on an 80 degree day with fans and misters on the sidelines to keep the players cool.

The Superbowl to the conference championship games are as the ProBowl to the Superbowl. Sunday's games will be fun. Seattle's fans are hungry. They've not only never had a team in the Superbowl, but never had, to my knowledge, a pro team in a championship of any kind. Pittsburgh and Denver, two classic playoff teams in a classic matchup. Both matchups will outdo any of the possibles for the Stupid Bowl.

The Jaw Dropper

Ever have a situation where something you said completely undid another person's world view? Or maybe it didn't fit in with anything they ever knew about reality. Were they so incredulous as to stand motionless with their mouth wide open? Maybe they even changed a word in your speech, hearing something different than what you said. Here are three of my all time best.

1) My mom took me down to the bank so I could open my very first checking account. We met with an officer at the bank to help me out. I filled out some paperwork, then he asked for three pieces of ID. I thumbed through my wallet to find only a driver's license and Social Security card. I had a library card, too, but I didn't think that could work. I asked him what would quilify as a third piece of ID. His reply was a fairly snobbish, "oh, anything'll work... just a major credit card will do." Uhm, excuse me? Here I am trying to get my first checking account and he thinks I should already have a major credit card? I replied that I didn't have one. He froze. He was completely astonished that an American youngster living in the 80's didn't have the ol' Visa. His lips were fighting to find something, anything, to say. "Well, I'm not sure what I can do here. Uh, I'll need to talk to a manager." He went away only to come back several minutes later, "well, let's just turn these papers in and see if it'll work."

2) I was solicited once by a major TV ratings firm (one of the top two, and I was sworn to secrecy as to who they were) to have my TV viewing habits monitored. All in exchange for discounts on cable subscription, and numerous other goodies. A well dressed woman in business attire showed up at the door. She spent about a half hour describing their business and how the monitoring would occur. She also described in detail the equipment they would hook up to the TV, where it would be hidden, and what would be expected from monitorees. Lastly, she gave a farily complex questionaire on viewing habits, writing down all my answers. During the Q&A session, she asked how many hours per week, on the average, I spent watching TV, and for me to be fairly precise and to take my time figuring it out. I started counting on my fingers, tongue hanging out the side of my mouth, in deep thought, reviewing all the shows I watched during the week. "Five" was my answer. She jotted this down while audibly repeating what her pencil was writing. "Okay, five times seven is... thirty-five. Next question. Blah, blah, blah...." "Excuse, me" I interrupted, "my answer was five." "Yes," she replied, "five hours times 7 days is 35 hours per week. Next question, blah, blah..." "No, no, no. You asked me how many hours per week I watched. I watch five hours per week, not per day." She was paralized, completely speechless. It was clear that she had no clue as to how to handle such an answer. She fiddled through some papers, only to reply, "I've never heard an answer so low. We have a minimum number of hours per week that our viewers need to meet. I'm terribly sorry, but we're unable to use you in our service."

3) I spent a week visiting a church missionary friend in the country of Haiti, and I took a week and a half vacation from work. A number of people asked me what I was going to do for my vacation that year. Now Haiti is that small nation in the Caribbean famous for military coups, voodoo, witch doctors, rampant AIDS, raft refugees drowning in the sea and the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. One woman asked me about any vacation that I would be taking. I told her that I was going to spend a week in Haiti. "Oh, you'll just love Tahiti! I've been there, and it's soooo beautiful. My cousin took her honeymoon there and she had a great time. What hotel will you be staying at?" "No, no, no, I said Haiti, not Tahiti." Her mouth dropped open, her eyes bulged out and her face started to quiver. She was horrified because she knew about Haiti and was petrified that anybody could ever go there.

Christmas Lights

We live in a highly blue collar neighborhood, and the Christmas lights are out in force. Some houses have to be spending a hundred extra bucks a month for their electricity. Why are the working class neighborhoods so much more involved with Christmas decorations than their upscale counterparts?

Scientific Urban Legends

When I was a child, my mother religiously took me to the doctor when I was sick with a bad cold. Even up to my early 20's, when I was able to go myself this was the case. The doctor visit was always the same. Get plenty of rest, drink plenty of fluids, and a prescription for antibiotics. It was always something-icilin or something-cycline. Thirty pills, three per day for ten days. Don't stop taking them early, even if your symptoms disappear.

Well when I finally got a life of my own with my own responsibilities, I didn't always go to the doctor. But it was when I didn't go to get treated that I noticed that not going resulted in the same recovery time as if I did go. There was no difference. It wasn't too long before I resigned myself to thinking the visit was useless. One time, my mother talked me into going (I did so just to humor her) and I'll never forget it. I was checked out by the doctor, and the usual advice was given regarding fluids and rest. But one thing was missing. In fact, I had to ask for a prescription for antibiotics. "Aren't you going to give me antibiotics?" "Why?", the doctor asked. "Antibiotics don't work against a virus." This answer puzzled me greatly.

Well it wasn't too long before it was common knowledge that antibiotics won't work against the flu or common cold. In fact, stories came out that concluded that doctors had over-prescribed the drugs to the point that now we have horrible drug resistant strains of disease. In fact, the med center of which I am a member has a sign posted in its pharmacy declaring that antibiotics don't work against a virus.

So, for decades, the number one treatment for the number one ailment was a hoax all along. How many billions were made as a result of gross misinformation? Now I hear that the scientists have changed the food pyramid promoted by the government. This is an admission that it was wrong all along. The food pyramid? That's what we eat three times a day, every day!

What else can't we trust these "experts" for? It'll be interesting to hear what they think 20 years from now.